hello, my name is alec. im an aries, im an alchemist, and i like to write.
my writing is deeply influenced by the poems of cecília meireles and hilda hilst, and by the books of clarice lispector.
in 2023, i began to feel uncertain about myself. i was doing things to my body and to my life that i didn’t internally agree with.
around that time, i read the alchemist by paulo coelho, and although simple, i found it deeply meaningful.
later, the following year, my mother and i moved to the coastside. she wanted to start a new life by the beach, partly as
an attempt to escape the one she knew. for me, however, that move brought some clarity.
when we, unfortunally, had to return to the countryside, i felt an unmistakable dissatisfaction,
a blackening in my heart. that was when i decided to move on my own, to live by myself and try to write my desires into reality.
these days, i work more than i should. i take care of my home, i play video games, and occasionally i read (not as often as i would like.)4
but the most important thing is that i never stopped writing. i write in my journal, on my private blog, and now here!
writing, for me, is a way of expurging every small nuance of myself. when i write i can become something new. as i once told my therapist: “when
i write, i gain perspectives that thoughts alone never brought me.” writing is the stage where i intercept my thoughts, i separate them,
and finally understand them. sometimes i reach conclusions; sometimes newer ideas; never decrees.
my primary language is brazilian-portuguese, so many of my references come from brazilian literature,
videos, and cultural contexts. whenever possible, i will try to translate or contextualize them so they remain accessible.
i am currently learning more about tarot, especially the smith-waite deck and the alchemical tarot. i am deeply interested in psychology, particularly jungian
thought and psychophysics. i want to learn how to play the guitar and i am studying a bit of japanese,
though slowly, and not always as consistently as i wish.
beyond all of that, i am learning how to be better :) for myself and for the people around me.
i love communicating my feelings, and i talk a lot.
my philosophy of life has been shaped by the references i gathered growing up, which made me deeply romantic.
i believe one of the most important principles of life is love, not work, career, or money, but love in all things, big or small.
growing up studying and working in big cities, sometimes i absorbed other people's ambitions and expectations, but i never truly decided what
i wanted in terms of corporate careers or rigid academic paths, so i chose to distance myself from them and
seek more meaning in the process of living than in outcomes imposed by force.
im still very young, and i can't be sure whether these choices are the best ones. maybe im not supposed to know yet.
im currently a graphic design student, and i intend to study psychology in the future. i can imagine myself working as an analyst one day,
but for now, i want to structure myself and find my place in the world before participating in larger systems.
my beliefs are confusing even to me. i believe in many forces and entities, and i think they all coexist,
as expressions of the same energy. we are part of that energy too, and therefore capable of co-creating with it.
creation can be benevolent or destructive, which is why awareness matters.
during my childhood, i didnt have many close friends. my family moved often, and whenever i began to form bonds, i had to leave them behind.
when i was nine, my father bought our first computer. i spent a lot of time online, especially on forums and on neopets.
i was young, perhaps too young to be so exposed, but i learned early how to navigate those spaces discreetly.
online connections gave me a sense of individuality i didnt have offline. one day my mom gave my a lecture for chatting with a bot on a game online,
but that fight didnt stopped me from being slick and tricking people at buying my overpriced personal collection on neopets.
i couldnt leave the house as much as i wanted and my parents were very reserved, so i created bonds in other ways. some were good, others harmful,
and many contributed to the shame i carried into adulthood about my body and myself.
i remember spending long afternoons alone in our old garage. we lived in a house near a hill, and every afternoon the sun would paint the
neighborhood in shades of orange, red, and sometimes a nostalgic greyish pink.
i used to sit there imagining myself outside, wondering where the streets led and who walked through them.
there was a button to open the garage door, but i was never brave enough to press it. so i sat in silence, eyes closed, imagining movement.
at the very least, i knew there was a blackberry tree at the end of our street.
these days, when i want to leave, i just do. mostly alone. after work, i go to the beach and wait for the sunset.
i still do, just like a child, eyes closed, speaking inside my head about what want next, just like i did in that garage,
but now the door is open, and i'm already outside.
i hope you like my thoughts ) thank you for reading.
